Guidelines for a Garage Sale Snob

(CLAIMER:  This post, unlike the last, is nonfiction.)
A couple people have expressed interest in knowing how I keep my garage sale habit under control.   There are tendencies in my gene pool towards hoarding and compulsive shopping, yet I manage to keep my house uncluttered (mostly) and my savings account well-fed (usually).  I have come to terms with the fact that I am a compulsive shopper, though I still maintain that I am not a compulsive buyer (predominantly). Thanks to the existence of garage sales and thrift stores, I can afford to not seek treatment for this neurosis.  To keep it in check, I have developed a set of guidelines for me to follow (loosely).
1.  Only go to sales at houses that look more expensive than you can afford.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not prejudiced.  It just makes sense, if I want to find used stuff that I couldn't afford new, it's going to be sold by someone more affluent than me.  Exception:  Estate sales.  Old people often have interesting, unusual, vintage stuff, no matter what their social class.
2.  Conserve gas--multi task.  One person (remaining unnamed) doesn't believe you can possibly save money by going to garage sales, considering all the time and gas it uses.  (He has clearly never looked up how much not-crappy clothes and shoes cost, then multiplied it times the number of kids he has).  So we multi-task:  only go to sales that are "on the way to the grocery store" or wherever we were going anyway.  Or carpool with a friend or family member.  Sales are much more fun with company.
3.  If you don't know what it is, you don't need it.  There are plenty of gadgets out there.  Your kitchen doesn't need that kind of baggage.  Exception:  Don't let this stop you from asking the seller what the item is.  Seize the educational opportunity.  But remember, even if the seller takes ten minutes telling you about an item, you're still not obligated to buy it.
4.  When in doubt, throw it out.  Your default should always be set to "don't buy."  If you can't think up a use for a thing, don't buy it.  If you kinda like it a little, don't buy it.  If the quality is questionable, don't buy it.  There is no shame in changing your mind and putting something back, or walking away without buying anything.  Exception:  charities for really good causes.  If a dude's cancer treatments depend on the proceeds of this sale, you should probably buy something for at least a dollar.
5.  If you ABSOLUTELY LOVE something that is decently priced, buy it.  If you could take a picture of it and put it in a dictionary under the definition of you.  If you could redecorate an entire room around it.  If you can afford it, buy it!  You will regret it if you don't.
6.  Don't buy anything electronic unless it's dirt cheap and you're desperate.  Seriously, electronic items at garage sales are almost always broken, or almost broken.
7.  Free stuff.  I can't help you there.  I lose control around free stuff.  Last week I even brought home some free fake flowers.  I hate fake flowers.
8.  Clothes.  Women:  No way those pants are going to fit.  If they were actually designed to be worn, they wouldn't be at a garage sale.  Kids:  Gotta be under $1 per item.  Unless it's boys pants sizes 5-8 with fully intact knees.  I'd pay up to $5 for those in a good brand.  Men:  I don't know anything about men.

Confessions of a Garage Sale Snob

(DISCLAIMER:  This is a work of [partial] fiction.  Please don't be offended.  Some of my favorite people live in trailer courts.)

Have you ever bought something at a garage sale that was TOTALLY GORGEOUS and you ABSOLUTELY loved it? (Like a set of plates, in my case.)  Then you go look it up on the internet to see how many hundreds of dollars it would cost new, only to find that it came from WALMART?!?!
Major let-down!  Can anything good come from Walmart?
OH WOW I FEEL TRASHY.
That's what I get for going to a garage sale within 1/4 mile of a trailer court.


A friend asked me a deep question the other day.
"Since you're such a thrifty snob, where would you shop if you suddenly had a million dollars?"
I had to think a while about this.  Then I realized, I don't know!  I've only memorized all the department store brands so I would know which ones NOT to buy at garage sales.  So I basically only buy brands that I don't recognize.  And the Gap.  Everyone knows that the Gap is upscale, though I don't know how I know, since I've never set foot in one of their stores.