Guidelines for a Garage Sale Snob

(CLAIMER:  This post, unlike the last, is nonfiction.)
A couple people have expressed interest in knowing how I keep my garage sale habit under control.   There are tendencies in my gene pool towards hoarding and compulsive shopping, yet I manage to keep my house uncluttered (mostly) and my savings account well-fed (usually).  I have come to terms with the fact that I am a compulsive shopper, though I still maintain that I am not a compulsive buyer (predominantly). Thanks to the existence of garage sales and thrift stores, I can afford to not seek treatment for this neurosis.  To keep it in check, I have developed a set of guidelines for me to follow (loosely).
1.  Only go to sales at houses that look more expensive than you can afford.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not prejudiced.  It just makes sense, if I want to find used stuff that I couldn't afford new, it's going to be sold by someone more affluent than me.  Exception:  Estate sales.  Old people often have interesting, unusual, vintage stuff, no matter what their social class.
2.  Conserve gas--multi task.  One person (remaining unnamed) doesn't believe you can possibly save money by going to garage sales, considering all the time and gas it uses.  (He has clearly never looked up how much not-crappy clothes and shoes cost, then multiplied it times the number of kids he has).  So we multi-task:  only go to sales that are "on the way to the grocery store" or wherever we were going anyway.  Or carpool with a friend or family member.  Sales are much more fun with company.
3.  If you don't know what it is, you don't need it.  There are plenty of gadgets out there.  Your kitchen doesn't need that kind of baggage.  Exception:  Don't let this stop you from asking the seller what the item is.  Seize the educational opportunity.  But remember, even if the seller takes ten minutes telling you about an item, you're still not obligated to buy it.
4.  When in doubt, throw it out.  Your default should always be set to "don't buy."  If you can't think up a use for a thing, don't buy it.  If you kinda like it a little, don't buy it.  If the quality is questionable, don't buy it.  There is no shame in changing your mind and putting something back, or walking away without buying anything.  Exception:  charities for really good causes.  If a dude's cancer treatments depend on the proceeds of this sale, you should probably buy something for at least a dollar.
5.  If you ABSOLUTELY LOVE something that is decently priced, buy it.  If you could take a picture of it and put it in a dictionary under the definition of you.  If you could redecorate an entire room around it.  If you can afford it, buy it!  You will regret it if you don't.
6.  Don't buy anything electronic unless it's dirt cheap and you're desperate.  Seriously, electronic items at garage sales are almost always broken, or almost broken.
7.  Free stuff.  I can't help you there.  I lose control around free stuff.  Last week I even brought home some free fake flowers.  I hate fake flowers.
8.  Clothes.  Women:  No way those pants are going to fit.  If they were actually designed to be worn, they wouldn't be at a garage sale.  Kids:  Gotta be under $1 per item.  Unless it's boys pants sizes 5-8 with fully intact knees.  I'd pay up to $5 for those in a good brand.  Men:  I don't know anything about men.

Confessions of a Garage Sale Snob

(DISCLAIMER:  This is a work of [partial] fiction.  Please don't be offended.  Some of my favorite people live in trailer courts.)

Have you ever bought something at a garage sale that was TOTALLY GORGEOUS and you ABSOLUTELY loved it? (Like a set of plates, in my case.)  Then you go look it up on the internet to see how many hundreds of dollars it would cost new, only to find that it came from WALMART?!?!
Major let-down!  Can anything good come from Walmart?
OH WOW I FEEL TRASHY.
That's what I get for going to a garage sale within 1/4 mile of a trailer court.


A friend asked me a deep question the other day.
"Since you're such a thrifty snob, where would you shop if you suddenly had a million dollars?"
I had to think a while about this.  Then I realized, I don't know!  I've only memorized all the department store brands so I would know which ones NOT to buy at garage sales.  So I basically only buy brands that I don't recognize.  And the Gap.  Everyone knows that the Gap is upscale, though I don't know how I know, since I've never set foot in one of their stores.

It's a Christmas tree! No, it's a Hanukkah bush! No, it's...

...A bunch of branches tied together and decorated.  Totally Pinterest worthy, am I right??  Our 5-acre estate lacks Christmas-sized trees.  There are a few tiny saplings, and a grove of late-adolescent firs (20-30 ft high).  Since spending money on a cultivated tree is almost as abominable to me as putting up an artificial tree, I whipped up this little beauty out of branches cut from the teenage trees (builds character) and some wire I found.  My kids haven't complained.  I love those kids!  They don't even notice their mother is a nutjob.  I'm sure they would rather have $10 worth of more presents than $10 worth of nicer tree, if they thought about it.
Take that, pagan tradition!!

Resourcefulness

My youngest child is going to turn 5 next week.  I feel like my world is shifting into a new phase, and my brain is having trouble keeping up.  I don't have to be in 24/7 survival mode anymore, now that she has finally outgrown the terrible 2's (yes it really has taken almost 3 years).  It is liberating to know that she is no longer likely to run down the street on a grand expedition as soon as no adults are looking.  It is a comfort to not have to worry about small or sharp objects ending up in the lower four feet of the house, and how they could be used by a toddler to kill or maim.  Unfortunately, my brain has a more complex and abstract task thrust upon it.  In their infancy they demanded simple helps with survival, i.e. "I'm hungry" or "I'm cold"  or "My bodily waste is in an undesirable position."  The new demand requires a lot more consideration.  It usually comes in the form of two words in an unpleasant voice: "I'm bored."
Now with my kids, "I'm bored" can almost always be translated to mean "I want to play computer games."  This causes part of me to become infuriated.  Too many of their adult relatives have chosen full-time gaming as a career, and that offends my work-hard-or-die-trying upbringing.  I live in fear of the song, "Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be Warcraft widow-makers."  So, like any good over-analyzing, way-too-fast-forward-thinking mother, when I hear "I'm bored" I also hear "I'm going to live clinically depressed in your basement until I'm 40."  That's a good enough reason to be infuriated, right??
I rack my brain daily for a preventative cure for this eventuality.  Today I came up with an idea:  It's time for a "When I was your age..."  story about Resourcefulness.  It will go something like this:  "When I was your age (referring to A, who is 8), we didn't have cell phones or tablets or even decent laptops.  I don't know when Gameboys were invented, because my family couldn't have afforded one anyway.  My dad ran a gas station, and my mom was his bookkeeper.  I had to spend many hours at the station while my mom did the books.  I had no one to play with,  no computer, nothing to play with but a few basic office supplies.  Through this terribly boring tribulation, I learned Resourcefulness (and gained a great appreciation for MacGyver).  I tested the limits of paperclips, ran experiments on the lint in my mother's purse, studied the art on the dollar bill, sketched on whatever paper was available, and thought.  Think, think, think.  I did a lot of thinking, watching the boats that did nothing in the marina.  Seriously, why didn't those boats ever go anywhere?  While we're at it, what was that weird contraption with the dark liquid?  Mom yelled at me when I messed with it.  On a few awesome occasions, my brother used it to make hot chocolate.  But I digress.
"This resourcefulness helped me immensely in years to come.  School was boring on a regular basis.  I became incredibly well acquainted with the attributes of college ruled notebook paper (the most plentiful resource for entertainment).  Home was often boring.  I spent a lot of quality time with a puddle.  It's amazing how much I already knew about erosion when I started studying it at school.  When I went out into the world on my own, I was well equipped to become a poor college student.  I was trained in the art of finding ways to entertain myself (and anyone not easily frightened) without spending any money.  My husband says I'm frugal, but really, I'm just boring.  Boredom is the mother of resourcefulness."
There you have it.  I tell my kids to use their brains (instead of the computer) when they are bored.  I try to compliment them by saying they are fully capable of finding themselves something to do.  Not much of a compliment, now that I think about it.  They certainly don't act complimented.  They usually stomp off and play pretend computer games with each other.  That doesn't mean I'm doomed, does it?

Gurly Dresser

I refinished/painted a dresser for my little girl.  That's why it has pink.

Sometimes i wish i was better at taking pictures.  Then i remember how few people actually see my pictures, and i go back to blissful apathy.

Experimenting with projects is great, because then if anything goes wrong i can tell people, "It was just an experiment, i'll do something awesome next time."  Then i hide it in my kid's room.  I'm still waiting to do something awesome...

LESSONS LEARNED from this project:  

1.  Painting different parts of the same piece with different colors really doesn't look as awesome as it may sound.  Not even sure if i like the bare wood paired with painted wood.

2.  Seriously woman, use tape!  A painted edge never looks as good as it could if you tape it first! It's a good thing this picture isn't better, or you might see the white primer peaking out next to the teal paint.  It's worse than underwear showing.

3.  It's amazing what mere shellac can do for wood.  Those drawers practically glow.  I almost wish i had taken the time to sand down the entire dresser instead of painting over the previous bad paint job.

I thought my eyes were already open

I have often heard the saying, 'You never know what you have until it's gone.'  I have tried to take it to heart and appreciate the multitude of blessings Heavenly Father has showered me with, so many simply because i live in a rich country, many more because of my upbringing by wise parents, neither of which i can take any credit for. But it seems there is no substitute for experience.
It's downright amazing how much more beautiful the world is when your son isn't dying anymore.
About ten days ago, A developed such severe asthma that he gasped for breath while huge tears fell off his red face. I was so stunned, not sure where to take him or how to get him there.  His dad took over while i handled the two boisterous little siblings.  A was soon transported to the children's ICU.  It took over 12 hours to get his oxygen levels up to normal.  After that, he improved steadily, and was able to come home the next day.
People said it sounded scary.  It didn't feel scary to me at the time, not like the fear i usually feel.  I may have been naively unconcerned, since i haven't heard of any children dying of asthma lately.  I knew there was medicine to help him, I knew there were people who would help.  I knew my son was going to be okay.  I am immensely grateful that my Heavenly Father saw fit to let my little boy stay with us.
Now my heart lightens up even more when i see his funny little smile.  I hope i will remember this feeling, and can remember to show my love for him every time he walks in the room.  My husband once said of A, Even the worst day with him is better than a day without him.

Watercolor Lampshade

Introducing my most successful DiY of late.  Why settle for plain white lampshades?  Why spend too much on a fancy lampshade?  Get yourself a cheap shade and water down some paint!

I used acrylic paint, but you could probably use anything.  I left the trim unfinished; I like the random-warbly look.  I did this green one a while ago, though now I don't have a place for the lamp.  It's a special lamp in our family--it's the only lamp to survive my five big brothers growing up.
Today I tried blue, a bit more on the warbly side.

The paint was still wet in this picture.  It has dried a bit lighter since.

Here she is in her natural habitat, the living room.
If you like the look, try it!  It's quick and easy.  I see lampshades at yard sales often.  I found the blue shade at a sale for $2.  I have an extra shade left over, extra boring shape and no color...  what to do?